Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
