is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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