Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
