listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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