Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So squirting runs in the family.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
