I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
