I murdered the dance floor call the cops
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
