I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
