She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
