Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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