For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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