we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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