If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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