I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
how does that bad decision feel?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
