So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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