Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
ttyl tear gas
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You are a genius and a whore.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize