Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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