I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize