She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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