Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
