just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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