Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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