I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
third nipple confirmed
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
