i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
