Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm really busy with my period
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