Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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