so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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