Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
