Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
