I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
