Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
