Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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