please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
