what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Ketchup is God's man juice
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
