I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
No more Irish car bombs ever.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
