smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
