Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
