My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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