I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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