i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
