my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
