I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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