I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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