thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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