Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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