I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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