I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
