TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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