If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
