In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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