Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
