I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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