my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
