i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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