I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
