OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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