i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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