i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
